All I know was that there was some miscommunication between the human resource department and the job agency which led to the premature termination of my labour. This made me fucking mad!!! This is so fucking unfair! And they notified me at such a last minute notice! Now I am wasting a day (and counting...) at home entertaining my many insecurities when I could be earning money for Bangkok and Vietnam. 

I get mad rarely. It is virtually impossible to piss me off. But last night, I was angry. I was so angry that I messaged Low ranting about lawyers and legal actions, all done with force and fury directed to the buttons of my phone. If she was physically with me, I would be barking and hollering. No kidding. 

Injustice. I can't fucking tolerate it because it makes me feel weak and helpless that I am unable to do anything to improve the situation. No, I can't throw a tantrum and expect everything to go my way. That's just how I am when faced to unfair situations. I try to let it go, not make a fuss about it but I always go to bed agitated and upset. 

And look what has a day of staying at home done to me. I am starting to hate my hair, regret instructing the hair dresser to snip of those extra inches. Right now, I can't even look in the mirror without feeling sad or insecure or both at the same time (oh boy). 

Just got off MSN with Rena. I was reminded of how much I miss my girl. If she was here right now, today wouldn't be spent mopping around in this abyss of depression called my room. We would probably be talking and then distracting ourselves with DDR and KBox. Oh well, now I am an emotional wreck trying to dwell on the "what would have been"s. It sucks being a woman with emotions you know? I would often feel silly feeling what I feel and would then be depressed all over again with life and everything. This is probably a harbinger for the imminent 'Time of the Month'

Ugh fuck it :-(

July and August please come quickly.

Today was an amazing day! After days of slogging my guts out (okay, more like stoning for hours) working at Robinsons, I finally had a day to myself to just relax and do nothing. Hip hip hooray!!!

I was planning on going out for a run early in the morning to watch the elderly qigong group do their sword dances but I had a particularly bizarre dream that I couldn't seem to awake from. This dream involved a huge incestuous family and the view of amusement parks from rooftops, against a solar eclipse. Yeah, you wouldn't want to enter my brain if technology ever present you with the opportunity to in the future. My mind is a labyrinth of whacked up shit. You WILL die in there I swear. 

Well, blame it on Chuck Palahnuik. Yes, he's the guy who wrote 'Fight Club' and also some other incredibly disturbing books like 'Haunted', 'Snuff' and 'Invisible Monsters' which I was somehow extremely attracted to. This guy had brought to my knowledge so much messed up shit and ideas which could probably be the inspiration behind my dreams. (or nightmares?) Anyway, read 'Haunted'. Its a challenge I'm posing to you. :-)

A handful of people have asked me what's with my (sick) fascination with gore and all things disturbingly twisted. I told them: this is the real world. This is what reality is like - fucked up and shit. I don't particularly like to indulge in hypnotically sweet romance that leave you feeling displeased and unsatisfied with your own life at the end of the day. I am just less willing to allow myself to soak in delusional concepts about life you know? My low self esteem can't take the blow.

Anyway, for the rest of the day, I finished up an entire packet of wangwang xue bing while watching several bad apocalyptic movies. I got bored halfway and wrote a poem for my cashier partner, good guy Hasif. Finally a real survivor and witness in the mythical "Friend Zone". I wrote a poem about his life in the friendzone and I am considering if I would offend or break his spirit if I gave it to him. You know, guys in the friendzone are sensitive souls? 


Oh and also, BANGKOK is really happening! I am super psyched about it because when I think about backpacking and embarking upon the path less traveled, I think of BANGKOK. Bangkok Dangerous just upped the bad ass level which only serves to draw me in. Bring on the tank tops and chillax boho pants! I am FINALLY gonna live the life I wanted!!~

The future is looking good for now. 

1. Today, my world rocked. Literally. I was in the office, engrossed in my work (I know, hard to believe), when suddenly I heard footsteps thudding down the corridor, followed by a woman with thick China accent shouting,"The building is SHAKING!" It was then I realise my entire universe was rocking. But then again, it was a really small tremor, small enough to not deserve media attention. Singaporeans enjoy making Mt Everest out of a molehill.

2. I learnt that growing up means accepting and being okay with the fact that everyone around you is going to be fake as fuck to one another. I CANNOT ACCEPT THAT, no matter how condescending people may be when I let them in on my plan to look for a future where hypocrites need not exist. How the fuck can anyone be okay with constantly having to watch their backs and looking for backs to stab? I cannot comprehend. Go ahead and think of me as immature, stupid, dumb. Whatever.

3. Rena Lee left with a treasure chest containing my childhood/not-a-girl-not-yet-a-womanhood locked up safely in it. Come August I will be reunited with it and her. Play ALL the arcade games! Sing ALL the Pitbull songs! Dance on ALL the DDR machines!

4. At this point in time, I'm probably more confused about my life then I ever was before. A few weeks after the release of results, the path was so clear. I was so determined about studying business in university. A glimpse into the business world just made me lost all the interest I had for it. Everyone around me seems to be so in control about their future. Yet here I am, immensely indecisive and fantasizing about a zombie apocalypse.

5. Two yummy men for reassurance that my hormones still exist and that I am totally straight:

6. I need someone to talk to, to listen to my woes and not dismiss everything I'm going through as just a phase in life. Or inwardly feel that I need to grow up.

7. Please do not shisha too often. Previously, I've noticed that I was bleeding from my nose for no apparent reason. Well, turned out the restaurant shisha pipes were rusty and I probably did some irreversible damage to myself. Then again, no point in leading a long life in this world.

8. I need a trip.

9. I love toddlers, those little bundles of cuteness that have yet to acquire motility or the ability to express themselves coherently. Maternal instincts are finally awake!

10. I hate my job. But survival is more important than happiness for now. My mom is not giving me allowance anymore! :-(

Last week, I went on a few dates with several friends. Just innocent, casual hanging out with my favourite people. Strangely, conversations in the night always stray off to death and beyond, eventually leading to discussions on the belief of a hereafter. On 17th March 2010, Saturday, my great grandmother died in the hospice. This is the second death in the family I've experienced.

I did not feel grief, sadness or in fact any form of emotions expected from people who had received such horrible news. To be honest, I was not particularly close to my great gran given the language barrier between us (her speaking purely hokkien and me not understanding a single word of it) and also the fact that she was placed in a nursing home in Woodlands before succumbing to mild dementia, hence making a younger and immature me felt unnecessary to visit. The notification of her demise merely reminded me of her existence, as horrid as that may sound. I am deeply ashamed of how I've been so caught up in the rush of my life, caring about seemingly worthless issues to the extent that I've greatly neglected the relationships I have with my relatives.

Being at the funeral, seeing her beautiful and youthful portrait adorned by yellow chrysanthemum, I was reminded of how much this strong woman, my great grandmother had been through in her lifetime. A centenarian who had been through all, wars, hardship, pain, love and happiness. I can only imagine the countless tales of her life that she would certainly have regaled us with, if we could somehow manage to overcome the communication barrier. Intermixed with the awe and inspiration I was experiencing, I also felt a tinge of sadness. To me, when one dies, they are reduced to nothing but dead skin and calcium. No heaven, no hell, no life after death. Just the cessation of existence and the end of a living reminder of all that my great grandmother had been through. The loss of a great woman.

I swear, funerals make you ponder so much about life and death. That's why I don't like them. The more you analyse life, the more you realise that every second you live is just one step closer to your end, the more misanthropic you become. Witnessing appallingly disrespectful and rude relatives (these are grown ups, mind you) at funerals just make me really displeased and pessimistic about the moral decadence of our society. Simple values like respect have gone to the dogs.

Anyway, here's my great grandmother and her three inch feet in the news! I remember her tiny feet very vividly. I used to play with her shoes when I was young. Shoes that was so tiny that even my eight-year-old feet had trouble fitting into.

Girl, woman
Child, adult
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday
Heaven and Earth

Strawberry fields, chocolate fountains, cotton candy clouds
Oreo doublestuf, J Co. Oreo donuts, Yami yougurt regular peach

Hell, death
Flying roaches, gigantic praying mantises
Death by copulation
They say chewing the heads of the male made them climax faster.

Delirious and tired. Insomnia strikes.
Sleepwalkers are asleep.
Only a small minority of them die from sleepwalking. Very small.

I'm an expert of flipping sides on the bed. 

I just want to sleep. I do not want to be alone in the dark with horrifyingly devastating thoughts anymore.

Reflecting upon my employment history, as brief as it may be, it dawned upon me that thus far, I am extremely undeserving of the amount of salary I've received in exchange of my labour, no matter meagre they may compare to those earning hundreds per day. This is attributed to the fact that for the majority of the time, I am comfortably numb and consciously aware of the fact that by standing around, waiting for things to happen, I am effectively converting time to money.

Obviously, many people don't actually give this much thought. At the hourly rate of $6, people are complaining about being underpaid, mistreated and abused. I am one of them, begrudgingly accepting job offers of such conditions. It is when I actually start going to work when I realise how shamelessly thick-skinned I am to be taking money from others when all I do is stand around, looking bored. I am suddenly feeling ashamed, oh how silly of me.

So, all of those will be history from Monday on since I am allowing myself to be initiated into the monotone of a sedentary office lifestyle. I am starting to feel sentimental. This is emblematic of the end of childhood. Gone are the long hours of daydreaming with eyes unfocused and droopy. I'll miss the occasional slouch, yawn and random walks around the workplace I often permit myself to. Easy come, easy go no more.

Goodbye irresponsibility and screw ups. I am too old to entertain you guys now.

So, I've been reading the Hunger Games Trilogy during this period of unemployment. I am absolutely head-over-heels in love with it! I'm kind of halfway into the last book, Mockingjay and I'm starting to feel like I won't know what to do after I'm done with it.

Thank god they have a movie coming out and it looks darn good because the actors/actresses playing the characters are somewhat like those that I've visualized. 


Katniss and Gale out hunting in the woods.

 
The two hotties Peeta and Gale, part of the love triangle. Aw yum yum. They have got more manhood and promise than the lame Twilight romantic plot.

 
Haymitch and Cinna both look unbelievably good. Though I expected Haymitch to be pot-bellied and looking like he's going through mid-life crisis.

 
And the ladies. It's gonna be a really really good movie. I hope this will be more popular than the stupid Twilight saga.

This is what people should go crazy about. Not Twilight.